they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
