Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
