k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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