I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
