I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
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I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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