I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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