he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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