The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
