so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
