dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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