Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
