I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."