I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Then again, he has huge mansions.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.