At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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