i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
