Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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