so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
