Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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