Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
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It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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