she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
