Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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