Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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