we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
