If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
