her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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