remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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