I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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