Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
