I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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