Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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