Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
