That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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