Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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