i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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