I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
