He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
