i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
