In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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