one word: firstdatebathroomanal
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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