I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have already put on my inside pants.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
