I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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