What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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