Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
