So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
