Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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