I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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