Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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