I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
