I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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