I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
