i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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