Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
