my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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