why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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