Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I AM VODKA MAN
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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