allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
