I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
